I Will Define Me

Oh, I’m cringing as I write this, because I know I’m going to feel so drastically uncomfortable with some of the content. But. I’m also very excited.

For the moment, I’m moving briefly away from my more usual topics and I’m going to talk about weight-loss. For all my love of good, nourishing food and lots of outdoor play, I am fat. I don’t shy away from the word because it’s not something that defines me or even particularly bothers me. What does bother me is the ticking time bomb that is my health. I’m truly blessed in that I have a family I truly adore and adores me back, a career that fills my heart, and a life that is truly excellent; I can no longer let this precious thing I have – my health and the ability that gives me to enjoy my life – be squandered.

So, here are some facts:

• I turned 29 last Monday
• I currently weight 244 lbs. (and I’m 5’3″)
• My BMI is 43.2; I’m considered obese
• After talking to my PCP and nutritionist, we’ve collectively decided somewhere around 140 lbs. is a good goal weight for my height and frame. This means I have just about 100 lbs. to lose.
• I am going to lose this weight by the time I turn 30.

It’s hard for me to look at these facts and pictures, not because I’m disgusted with myself or the way I look, but because it hurts my heart to know how often people take these things and choose to define people by them. Those who don’t know me may read this and see my pictures and because I do not fit the box that defines female beauty, decide I’m not a worthy human being. Regardless of whether or not I need to lose weight (and I do), I am still a good and beautiful human, as we all are.

(On an entirely separate note, please excuse my messy bathroom! I’m almost more self-conscious about that!)

I am going to lose a lot more than just 100 lbs. in the next year, though, particularly if I’m going to make this more than just about weight loss, which it needs to be. I’m going to lose my (very) unhealthy relationship with food, lose any negative self-talk patterns, lose any self-doubt I might have about my ability to care for myself. And I’ll also gain courage and so much more confidence, not because I will look better (because, damnit, I already look good), but because I will know that I am capable of fulfilling a promise to myself and my future. I want to make every moment I have on this good earth full of adventure and love and goodness, and one of the best ways to help that happen is to keep the vessel that transports me through those moments as healthy and functioning as possible.